This week, President Obama mentioned gay marriage
in his inaugural speech. He stated, “[o]ur journey is not complete
until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under
the law—for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we
commit to one another must be equal as well.” Lots of children watched
the speech, more so this year than usual because it fell on a school
holiday. Earlier in the week, NBC Nightly News covered a story about
marriage equality laws in the US. Children, particularly children in
elementary school and older, are listening to these snippets of the gay
marriage debate. Even if you don't talk about the topic at the dinner
table, your kids likely know more about it than most parents assume.
After
hearing the news coverage the other night, my own 8-year-old mentioned
that gay people shouldn't marry because they can't reproduce. I was
taken aback, not knowing where she picked this up – and realizing she
was taking the exact opposite position I would have taught. She heard
this somewhere, I am not she even really understand the concept of
reproduction. She was saying a sound bite. With her still-developing brain,
she struggles to understand an abstract political concept. Even when
kids know someone who is gay or lesbian, they may not understand how a
political issue relates to real people.
Based on a national Gallup poll from November 2012, more people support
marriage equality than oppose it. But even if you support it, you may
not know how to talk to your kids about it. It is such a heated debate
in the US that it can feel a little like tiptoeing around a landmine. I
know I didn't really want to delve into a conversation about
reproduction. I did tell her that lots of couples can't reproduce (we
have lots of friends who used adoption) and lots of married couples
don't have children. But it made me realize that a lot of other kids
probably heard these same snippets and the debate provides a teachable
moment. Here are the top 5 things elementary school children should know
about gay marriage, and how to tell them in ways they can understand.
1. They probably already know kids at school with two moms or two dads.
For children, they need concrete concepts. They can't really grasp the
concept of a state-based constitutional amendment. What they do know is
being a kid. In the US, at least two million children are being raised
by gay or lesbian parents. So the odds are, even if they don't know it,
they probably have a kid or two or ten at their school with two moms or
two dads. The debate in the country is happening and will continue to
happen for a while. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with
marriage equality, the reality is it affects real kids in real families,
and those real kids live just down the street. At my house, after my
daughter made the disparaging comment, I realized she didn't know that
this affected real people, real kids, real friends. We promptly went to
my Facebook
profile and looked at pictures of my gay and lesbian friends in very
real and committed partnerships and families. It wasn't just a news
story, it is real life.
2. Two-mom families and two-dad
families work just like any other family. One or both parents work, kids
have chores, kids play and fight and get into trouble, and families sit
down for dinner and talk about their day. A new study in Child Development
shows that lesbian parents do the best at sharing parenting
responsibilities, and their kids benefit from it. Although these
families may look different than your family, all families differ in
lots of ways. Some families have one parent, some two parents, some a
grandma, some a foster mom. All families are different and all families
are the same. As we say in my house, "The only rule for families is you
have to love one another. All the other stuff is details."
3.
The worse part of having two moms or two dads is the teasing that can
happen. Kids can be teased by other kids at school for being different.
Kids get teased for lots of different reasons – wearing the wrong
sneakers, speaking with an accent, being a slow reader. And having two
moms or two dads isn't really different than this. Teasing by others,
though, is harmful. Kids who are teased by their peers, especially if it
is consistent, are more likely to be depressed, anxious, and have
trouble concentrating in school. It is also hurtful for kids with two
moms or two dads to see their family described as "not normal." Kids in
elementary school understand discrimination,
especially when it affects their family. The negative consequences of
experiencing discrimination – whether it be by other kids, other
parents, teachers, or the government – impacts children in deep, meaningful ways. This is bad for kids, regardless of your politics.
4.
Sometimes adults can be wrong, and hurtful. Kids typically assume if an
adult says it, it is true, fair, and final. As adults, we know this
isn't the case. But kids can also understand that ideas change over
time. They have learned about the civil right movement and Martin Luther
King. They understand that, at some point in history, people thought
Blacks and Whites shouldn't go to school together. They understand that
people's ideas have changed over time to be more fair. People's ideas
about this will also change.
5. If they notice bullying,
they should say something to an adult who can stop it. Period. No kid
should be made fun of for any reason. Just because parents have strong
opinions, and they may see adults express their opinions forcibly, no
kid should be the target.
Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor
of Developmental Psychologist at the University of Kentucky. She earned
her doctorate at The University of Texas at Austin and was previously a
professor at UCLA. She is fascinated, and perplexed, by parents'
obsession with looking for gender differences in their children. Her
work on the impact of gender stereotypes on children and adolescents has
been published widely in top scientific journals and featured in
numerous newspapers, magazines, local radio shows, NPR, and CBS Evening
News.
Her book, in which she uses research, with common sense and a healthy
dose of patience, to raise her own daughters, is currently available: Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: Raising Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes (Ten Speed Press).
;)
Abby
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