5 Things Your Child Should Know About Gay Marriage by Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D.

This week, President Obama mentioned gay marriage in his inaugural speech. He stated, “[o]ur journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law—for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”  Lots of children watched the speech, more so this year than usual because it fell on a school holiday. Earlier in the week, NBC Nightly News covered a story about marriage equality laws in the US. Children, particularly children in elementary school and older, are listening to these snippets of the gay marriage debate. Even if you don't talk about the topic at the dinner table, your kids likely know more about it than most parents assume.

After hearing the news coverage the other night, my own 8-year-old mentioned that gay people shouldn't marry because they can't reproduce. I was taken aback, not knowing where she picked this up – and realizing she was taking the exact opposite position I would have taught. She heard this somewhere, I am not she even really understand the concept of reproduction. She was saying a sound bite. With her still-developing brain, she struggles to understand an abstract political concept. Even when kids know someone who is gay or lesbian, they may not understand how a political issue relates to real people.

Based on a national Gallup poll from November 2012, more people support marriage equality than oppose it. But even if you support it, you may not know how to talk to your kids about it. It is such a heated debate in the US that it can feel a little like tiptoeing around a landmine. I know I didn't really want to delve into a conversation about reproduction. I did tell her that lots of couples can't reproduce (we have lots of friends who used adoption) and lots of married couples don't have children. But it made me realize that a lot of other kids probably heard these same snippets and the debate provides a teachable moment. Here are the top 5 things elementary school children should know about gay marriage, and how to tell them in ways they can understand. 

1. They probably already know kids at school with two moms or two dads. For children, they need concrete concepts. They can't really grasp the concept of a state-based constitutional amendment. What they do know is being a kid. In the US, at least two million children are being raised by gay or lesbian parents. So the odds are, even if they don't know it, they probably have a kid or two or ten at their school with two moms or two dads. The debate in the country is happening and will continue to happen for a while. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with marriage equality, the reality is it affects real kids in real families, and those real kids live just down the street. At my house, after my daughter made the disparaging comment, I realized she didn't know that this affected real people, real kids, real friends. We promptly went to my Facebook profile and looked at pictures of my gay and lesbian friends in very real and committed partnerships and families. It wasn't just a news story, it is real life.  

2. Two-mom families and two-dad families work just like any other family. One or both parents work, kids have chores, kids play and fight and get into trouble, and families sit down for dinner and talk about their day. A new study in Child Development shows that lesbian parents do the best at sharing parenting responsibilities, and their kids benefit from it. Although these families may look different than your family, all families differ in lots of ways. Some families have one parent, some two parents, some a grandma, some a foster mom. All families are different and all families are the same. As we say in my house, "The only rule for families is you have to love one another. All the other stuff is details."    

3. The worse part of having two moms or two dads is the teasing that can happen. Kids can be teased by other kids at school for being different. Kids get teased for lots of different reasons – wearing the wrong sneakers, speaking with an accent, being a slow reader. And having two moms or two dads isn't really different than this. Teasing by others, though, is harmful. Kids who are teased by their peers, especially if it is consistent, are more likely to be depressed, anxious, and have trouble concentrating in school. It is also hurtful for kids with two moms or two dads to see their family described as "not normal." Kids in elementary school understand discrimination, especially when it affects their family. The negative consequences of experiencing discrimination – whether it be by other kids, other parents, teachers, or the government – impacts children in deep, meaningful ways. This is bad for kids, regardless of your politics.  

4. Sometimes adults can be wrong, and hurtful. Kids typically assume if an adult says it, it is true, fair, and final. As adults, we know this isn't the case. But kids can also understand that ideas change over time. They have learned about the civil right movement and Martin Luther King. They understand that, at some point in history, people thought Blacks and Whites shouldn't go to school together. They understand that people's ideas have changed over time to be more fair. People's ideas about this will also change.      

5. If they notice bullying, they should say something to an adult who can stop it. Period. No kid should be made fun of for any reason. Just because parents have strong opinions, and they may see adults express their opinions forcibly, no kid should be the target.

Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Developmental Psychologist at the University of Kentucky. She earned her doctorate at The University of Texas at Austin and was previously a professor at UCLA. She is fascinated, and perplexed, by parents' obsession with looking for gender differences in their children. Her work on the impact of gender stereotypes on children and adolescents has been published widely in top scientific journals and featured in numerous newspapers, magazines, local radio shows, NPR, and CBS Evening News. Her book, in which she uses research, with common sense and a healthy dose of patience, to raise her own daughters, is currently available: Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: Raising Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes (Ten Speed Press). 

;)

Abby

Decisions Teens Make: Naughty or Nice?

With many kids gearing up for a holiday at home, their parents may soon be wrestling with the question of the season, “naughty or nice?” In making the calculation about their teenager’s behavior, it’s a good question and a fair point. The answer lies in the fact that much of what adolescents think and do, by developmental design, walks the line between naughty and nice … or at least normal.

What does that mean?

At a time of breathtaking physical and psychosocial development, teens are charged with accomplishing three critical tasks: establishing an identity of their own; becoming more independent from their parents; and forging more adult-like relationships with peers. In the aggregate, their progress on these tasks forms a young person’s sense of self, a harbinger of decision-making, confidence and overall mental health.

According to Teens Today research conducted by SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), high Sense of Self (SOS) teens are more likely to avoid alcohol and drug use, while low Sense of Self teens are more likely to use alcohol and "harder" drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine. In addition, high SOS teens are more likely than their low SOS counterparts to report feeling smart, successful, responsible and confident. On the mental health side of the ledger, low SOS teens are more likely than high SOS teens to report regular feelings of stress and depression.

Significantly, there is a parental overlay that offers guidance for moms and dads everywhere. For example, 62 percent of teens with a high SOS report that their relationships with their parents make them feel good about themselves, while only about one-third of low SOS teens report the same. In addition, teens with a high SOS report overwhelmingly that they feel respected by their parents (93 percent) and close to their parents (85 percent), while teens with a low SOS report significantly different levels of respect (8 percent) and closeness (12 percent).

In other words, parents have skin in the game!

Understanding the relationship between each developmental task and behavior likely to accompany it is important, as is supporting the progress of our teens on their developmental journey.

Identity: As young people seek to answer the question “Who am I?,” they regularly – and sometimes frequently – try on different roles, which in turn changes their behavior and may make them appear to be “strangers” on any given day.

Independence: A drive toward independence dictates that our teens push us away, or at least hold us at arm’s length. Paradoxically, they need us more now than at any other time during the lifespan besides early infancy.

Peer Relationships: The peer group is paramount, and teens often filter through it what they hear from us. Even so, we are the number one reason our teens make good choices.

Parents can help their teens achieve a high Sense of Self by:

• Supporting a wide sampling of interests, activities and age-appropriate behaviors;

• Encouraging separation from parents and age-appropriate independence in decision-making;

• Teaching peer-to-peer social skills and facilitating (positive) peer relationships;

• Focusing on productive parent-teen communication.

Perhaps most important, we can remind each other that, in many ways – and within limits – our adolescents are doing what they are supposed to be doing. In the end, they’re likely a healthy mix of naughty and nice.

Love,

Abby