"The hardest part about being a success is to continue being a success."
- Raven, age 18.
At
the age of eighteen, Raven Magwood is the exception to every rule.
She's a published author, motivational speaker, filmmaker, junior in
college, and former national gymnastics champion. It's safe to say that
she's accomplished more as a teenager than most of us will in a
lifetime. Raven carries with her the label of "gifted
and talented" though she readily admits that all is not 'perfect' in
her world. "On the one hand, it's great to know that other people
recognize the potential significance I can have on the world. On the
other hand it can be hard trying to live up to other individuals'
expectations." Indeed. Exceptional intelligence is a double-edged sword
for most kids, especially teens, who often find the pressure to succeed
both intoxicating and suffocating. It is often the duality of these
polar opposites that give smart teens the gift of success or the demise
of failure.
The Perfectionist Self
The
notion that the trajectory of smart teens is limited to an upwardly
mobile platform with little struggle either academically,
psychologically, or socially, is simply not true. Gifted teens are as
likely to be plagued by low self esteem
as other teens—perhaps more so. Research has shown that smart teens
typically have a heightened sense of accomplishment and failure which
means they are acutely aware of their own flaws and imperfections and
often base their sense of worth on how others perceive them, as Raven
did. "I remember in high school I would refuse to ask teachers questions
for fear
of being judged as 'not so smart' after all," she admits. "I always
wanted to outdo whatever I had just achieved. I always wanted to be the
successful person that others perceived me as."
Raven, like so
many gifted teens, struggled with the constant pressure of having to be
perceived as "perfect" by her teachers, peers, and even her parents.
The problem with the constant pressure to be flawless—whether it's
self-imposed or socially driven—can quickly morph into a psychological
crisis as the gifted teen begins to see her self-worth defined strictly
in terms of how she performs academically. The brutality of this
realization can affect how teens not only view themselves, but it can
create an unhealthy relationship with others as they try to constantly
live up to the impossible bar that has been set for them.
Yet it's equally important to consider that the term 'perfectionism' can define both positive and negative personality
characteristics. We so often jump to the conclusion that if our kids
are perfectionists, they must exhibit extreme behavior that is "outside
the norm." Not necessarily so. Gifted teens often got that way because
of their careful attention to detail and their drive to be successful.
It is this innate drive smart teens have that propels them to set goals for themselves and to live up to them. In Ellen Winner's, Gifted Children,
she noted that "being a perfectionist could well be a good thing if it
means having high standards, for high standards ultimately lead to high
achievement (1996)." In most cases, exceptionally smart teens need a
degree of perfectionism to succeed.
Existential Anxiety: Crisis of Meaning and Purpose
For
adolescents, the teen years bring with them the intimate opportunity to
explore thoughts, feelings, and their surroundings in an effort to find
out who they are and who they want to be. The search for meaning in
one's life is often felt more profoundly during adolescence when teens are trying to differentiate a healthy identity from facing the perils of Erik Erickson's role confusion.
The search for purpose and meaning can be compounded for gifted teens
who are typically more sensitive and self-aware than other teens, making
them question their status in life more strongly and intensely.
Pressures from the outside world albeit parents, school, friends, or
societal standards make it paramount for gifted teens to quickly
discover "who they are and who they want to become" in an effort to live
up to the heightened standards set before them. The more they question
issues, ideas, and the world around them, the greater their anxiety
grows and the greater their chances are of internalizing these issues to
the point of triggering severe anxiety or depression.
The upside? The sharp minds of our day have used philosophy
and existential thought to further important causes for mankind.
Socrates who dared to ask "Why, Why, WHY?" nurtured the cause for us to
explore the inner depths of who we are and ultimately how we want to
live our life—as have other genius minds such as Einstein, Stephen
Hawking, and Marie Curie. The ability for smart teens to embrace deep
existential questions and attempt to formulate answers may just put them
one step ahead as they enter adulthood.
Social Awkwardness: Reality or Myth?
Like
it or not, there is a degree of truth to the assertion that some gifted
teens have difficulty socializing with others. I recently spoke with
one of my friends, a GT middle school teacher, who offered her own
unique perspective. "The teens I teach are brilliant and amazing," she
said. "But the majority of them have some degree of difficulty
socializing with others. I'd say at least half of them exhibit symptoms
of Asperger's
Syndrome. I had one student who insisted on sitting underneath his desk
all year long. He'd get A's on every test, but could not bring himself
to join the rest of the class socially." Brilliant, yes. Socially
competent, no.
Certainly this is an extreme example of social
awkwardness, but nonetheless one that demonstrates how some smart teens
acquire their own set of behaviors that accompany their stellar IQ's.
However, it's important to point out that the aspects that make many
gifted teens unique are the same ones that make them geniuses. Some
gifted teens may demonstrate a lack of social understanding
but that does not mean they should be relegated to being treated like
the stereotypical "mad scientist." In my practice I have treated gifted
teens that had Asperger's Syndrome and those who have not and I can tell
you that even though it may be challenging for some of them to socialize
with others, they are every bit as capable as other teens of having
meaningful relationships—the difference being that they must work a
little harder to achieve them.
The Pressure to Succeed
One of the most prevalent assumptions about gifted teens is the notion that they must become highly successful
adults. This train of thought remains one of the most common
misconceptions about gifted teens and narrowly defines success in terms
of reaching "Einstein" status. This expectation can place additional
burdens on gifted teens that do not exist for the rest of the teenage
population, creating anxiety and psychological chaos.
Gifted teens
needn't become the next Secretary of State or Nobel Peace Prize
recipient in order to fulfill their destiny. Notable British professor
Dr. Joan Freeman, one of the leading experts on gifted children,
recently published in her book Gifted Lives: What Happens When Gifted Children Grow Up
(2010) that only about 25% of the gifted teens she studied went on to
adult lives that matched the potential of their early promise. The rest
of the gifted children became sidetracked by a combination of
psychological and social factors such as: too much early pressure,
mental or physical illness, and loss of drive. Yet Dr. Freeman found
that many gifted children in this study went on to achieve personal
goals and fulfillment with or without material benefit—suggesting that gifted teens should not be concerned about following career paths that are considered "beneath them" by society. In fact, their key to happiness may just be chosing a career that alleviates much of that pressure to be perfect that is thrust upon them.
What to do?
Helping
your gifted teen succeed and derail the psychological pitfalls of their
giftedness is something that every parent can help control. Gifted
children are truly a dynamically wonderful group, but like all
teenagers, their gifts comes with challenges. Practice this sage advice
and watch your teen thrive.
1. Avoid "the parent trap." It's
easy to get caught up in the pride you have for your extremely
intelligent teen, but do not mistake pride for arrogance. It's important
to remember that this is about your child, not about you.
Kara Buntin, the mother of two gifted teenagers, has experienced
firsthand how the pressure of parenting can harm teens. "Teenagers have a
lot more academic pressure today than they used to and if parents push
too much it's going to make any problems [they have] worse." She advises
parents to make sure their own experiences and dreams do not cloud those of their teenagers.
2. Find a balance between encouraging and punishing.
Gifted teens often put more pressure on themselves than any parent ever
could, but nonetheless, as with any teenager, it's important to make
the distinction between encouraging their academic success and punishing
them for it. Some parents like Kara Buntin find it helpful to "tailor"
their parenting efforts according to each teen's personality traits. For
example, some gifted teens respond poorly when they get a bad grade and
instantly want to punish
themselves. As a result, they are more prone to anxiety and depression,
making a parent's need to "punish" them obsolete. Others thrive when
parents apply an appropriate amount of pressure to their academics and
thrive from some stress.
3. Advocate for your teen's needs both academically and socially.
Parents are always their child's biggest advocate. This is true
regardless of whether or not your teen is labeled gifted. Yet some
parents of gifted teens focus solely on their teens' academic success
and fail to encourage their social success. Sherri Hale, mother of a
gifted teen, became frustrated when she found it near impossible to find
additional resources to help her teen socially. She soon realized that
other parents were struggling with how to help their teens balance
academics success with social and emotional maturity. "There is a
misperception that gifted students don't have a need for resources
devoted to success strategies, but the needs of gifted students are
present, they just appear differently from other student populations,"
she says. This can be especially true in cases where gifted teens also
are diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome where their social skills can be
particularly weak and require additional resources.
Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., is a psychotherapist and writer. Her work has appeared in magazines including BabyTalk, Parents, and Parenting.
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