Friend Me: Surviving Popularity in the Age of Facebook

Everyone at school knows who she is - her beautiful face, light-hearted laughter, and unforgettable smile. She's the slender cheerleader that sports a poised and unassumingly confident smile amid her ruby red lipstick and long golden locks. She's also the one with the cool friends, hottest boyfriend, and the most Facebook friends. Ask any high school teenager who she is and they'll simply reply, "Oh, she's the popular one."

Like it or not, adolescence has always been a popularity contest. Anyone who has ever seen John Hughes 1985 flick The Breakfast Club, and more recently, American Pie, understands how the teenage social hierarchy can define a generation. High school has always been, and will always be, a constant barrage of mixed messages, innuendos, and heartfelt attempts to climb to the top of the social ladder. In fact, some teens are eager to do just about anything for a piece of the popularity pie. With the advent of the social network, that piece of pie just got bigger, bolder, and more accessible. The technological glitz, glamour, and hierarchical status built into Facebook is ripe for gossip and rebellion. Teens can post the latest trends, hottest parties, and exclusive hang-outs on their Facebook wall providing them with the perfect way to score points with their popular peers -- or fail miserably trying.

Friend Me:

"The internet isn't written in pencil...it's written in ink." (The Social Network, 2010)

Ask your teen what the catch-all term Friend Me means and she'll probably smirk at you and say you are way too old-school. The power of Facebook friending adds a new dimension to the complexities of the teen social scene by making it obvious who is in and who is out. It does so visually, interactively, and unapologetically by using the Internet to chart the success and failure of classmates. Popularity among teens is no longer an abstract rumor, it's a social fact. For many teens Facebook‘s friend list has become the golden opportunity to achieve acceptability from their peers. Unfortunately, being admitted the popular kids Facebook friend list -- or being left off of it -- has the ability to make teens feel like everything, or absolutely nothing at all.

Our nation shares a social hierarchy similar to that of high school adolescents. Institutions like the federal government and the military rely on a system that promotes order, obedience, and the opportunity for advancement or demotion. It also may include performance, intelligence, capability, and in some cases appearance and one‘s ability to successfully schmooze with the boss. It's who you know not always what you know that enables many social climbers to elevate themselves to the top. Popularity among high school teens operates under similar motivations. Popular teens promote kids that are attractive and socially superior while demoting the ones who they deem socially inept. It's no surprise then that Facebook, by default, has adopted the same social hierarchy, they've just managed to do it digitally.

Survival of the Fittest:

For the sake of Darwinians and biologists I should begin by pointing out that the term natural selection defines evolution more accurately than the populist term survival of the fittest, yet somehow naturally selecting the strongest and most popular to be at the top of the social pyramid simply doesn't seem to convey the fierceness and brutality of a teen's to rise to power. Genetics may play a part in our strength and ability to switch to survival mode, but as every teenager knows, being able to socially succeed in high school amidst the hormones and constant chaos occasionally requires an act of God -- or at the very least, a way to acquire the resilience and fortitude to rise above it.

If Darwin could see his theory play out in the lunchroom or on the computer screen perhaps he would be amused, but more than likely he'd be profoundly disturbed. Survival of the fittest may seem like an unlikely soul mate for popularity, but take a moment to consider a typical popularity contest that plays out in middle and high schools across the country every day. To rule the high school social scene, teens must figure out a way to thrive in their surroundings and then to elevate their social status. This includes a mandatory Facebook presence, and more important, demonstrating that they are qualified to popular in the first place. Take, for example, the prom queen whose beauty, intelligence, and personality -- no doubt products of natural selection -- place her at the height of the social pyramid. To maintain her social status, she needs to connect with as many social climbers as possible and steer clear of teens that she or others in her inner circle deem unworthy. Posting pictures, notes, and socially exclusive facts on her Facebook wall ensures that everyone will take notice of her importance and exclusivity. However, when kids at the bottom of the social ladder try to friend her they are often rejected, which can cause anxiety, depression, and other psychological distress. Even worse, if this Facebook rejection is also done with malice or bullying tactics, it can severely damage a teen's self esteem.

Is there a way to stop survival of the fittest online? Not really. School buses and social networks have become the animal kingdom gone array: Eat or be eaten. Kill or be killed. Bully or be bullied. Get popular or die trying. If evolution has taught us anything, it's that to survive in a dog-eat-dog world, teens must learn to not only protect themselves, but to be proactive in their quest for happiness and success, a task that is easier said than done in the digital age.

What Popularity Means and What It Does Not:

Popularity is unfortunately a necessary evil and the social hierarchy created by it a formidable distraction. Yet the ongoing struggle for popularity does not mean that we allow teens to be bullied, abused, mistreated, or otherwise harmed. When popularity contests turn ugly and abusive, as they often do, science takes a back seat to humanity. Socializing on Facebook is one thing, but demoralizing and humiliating others is another.

Teaching teens to fight the good fight and to know when to walk away is paramount to their self-esteem and mental well-being. Building healthy self-esteem requires adolescents to be able to take on new challenges, opportunities, and to achieve some degree of success. Not everyone can be popular, nor should they try. As we travel through life, popularity is simply a distraction along the way. It is not an accurate measurement of how teens will mature into adults. Many unpopular kids with the most humble and traumatic beginnings have found ways to become leaders and to live rich, meaningful lives. For teens, success in the online social climate should not focus on how many Facebook friends they have, but instead, on the quality of the friendships they do have.

Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., is a psychotherapist and writer. Her work has appeared in magazines including BabyTalk, Parents, and Parenting.

Love,

Abby

Aplikasi Visa Kunjungan Keluarga ke Jerman

Saya ingin berbagi sedikit info mengenai apilaksi Visa kunjungan saat mengunjungi kakak saya di Bremen pada bulan lalu. Saya berangkat dengan papa saya menggunakan Emirates untuk 2 minggu. Karena saya berusia di bawah 18 tahun, maka saat proses aplikasi Visa Schengen ke Germany Embassy di Jakarta, mama saya juga ikut hadir.

Langkah-langkah dan syarat-syarat yang diperlukan adalah:
1. Membuat Termin/jadwal di Deutsche Botschaft. Jangan lupa bawa print-out jadwal ini, karena satpam Embassy akan menanyakannya, dan yang pasti jangan lupa bawa Paspor harus masih berlaku minimal 3 bulan setelah akhir rencana kunjungan di wilayah Schengen.

2. Wajib hadir! Tidak bisa diwakilkan, karena sidik jari pemohon akan diambil langsung, dan sidik jari tersebut akan disimpan selama 5 tahun.

3. Pemohon usia di bawah 18 tahun harus datang dengan kedua orang tua. Bagi yang orang tuanya bercerai atau meninggal dunia, ada ketentuannya sendiri, silahkan cari infonya langsung ke Kedutaan yaa ;)

4. Masing-masing pemohon mengisi (terlebih dahulu di rumah) 2 rangkap Formulir Permohonan Visa Schengen dan juga 2 rangkap Formulir Lembar Pemeriksaan Hukum. Diisi dengan menggunakan huruf balok dan tinta hitam/biru dan pastikan tulisan mudah untuk dibaca ;)

5. Foto biometris berwarna dengan latar belakang putih atau abu-abu muda, ukuran 3,5cm x 4,5 cm. Wajah harus sebesar 80% dari ukuran foto. Contoh fotonya. 1 foto ditempel di formulir permohonan visa sebelah kanan atas dan 1 foto disisipkan.

6. Asuransi kesehatan perjalanan harus dibuat untuk perjalanan ke negara Schengen dengan ketentuan yang bisa dilihat pada link Asuransi Perjalanan Visa Schengen berikut ini. Saya kemarin dapat langsung dari biro travel perjalanan tempat saya mem-booking tiket.

7.  Siapkan tiket perjalanan pergi dan pulang tentunya. Jangan dibayar lunas dulu tiketnya, cukup sekedar booking, karena pihak Embassy tidak ingin pemohon rugi kalau sampai nanti visanya ditolak padahal sudah bayar lunas tiket pesawatnya :)

8. Demikian juga jika pemohon berniat tinggal di Hotel saat berada di negara wilayah Schengen, cukup booking dulu, jangan dibayar lunas ;)

9. Baik jika pemohon mendapatkan Obligation Letter alias Verpflichtungserklärung (surat undangan resmi yang dibuat oleh pengundang di Kantor Imigrasi kota setempat).

10. Bukti keuangan yang jelas untuk melakukan perjalanan. Jika pemohon mendapatkan Verpflichtungserklärung maka surat ini sudah merupakan jaminan keuangan bahwa pemohon akan 'aman' saat berada di Jerman dan pulang lagi ke Indonesia. Namun, pada kasus saya kemarin walau kami mendapatkan Verpflichtungserklärung, papa saya tetap mempersiapkan berkas-berkas bukti keuangan. Daripada nanti pas sudah di Embassy malah ditanya ini itu, tapi tidak siap :D sangat penting memang untuk berjaga-jaga seperti ini daripada nantinya harus bikin Termin lagi karena mengurus ulang. Yang papa saya siapkan kemarin adalah slip gaji 3 bulan terakhir dan rekening tabungan 3 bulan terakhir.

11. Siapkan surat yang menyatakan bahwa pemohon bekerja dan bersekolah di Indonesia. Ssurat keterangan kerja bagi papa saya (surat cuti dengan keterangan tanggal perjalanan dan surat yang menyatakan bahwa papa saya bekerja -dan akan kembali ke Indonesia untuk bekerja). Dan karena saya masih bersekolah, maka saya juga mendapatkan surat ijin dari sekolah, saya juga melampirkan fotokopi kartu OSIS saya :D

12. Akte Kelahiran saya, karena saya berusia di bawah 18 tahun dan akan melakukan perjalanan dengan papa saya.

13. Fotokopi KTP dan Paspor kedua orang tua saya dan kehadiran kedua orang tua saya di Embassy.

14. Karena tujuan saya ke Jerman adalah kunjungan keluarga, maka dari itu diperlukan juga bukti atas hal ini. Saya melampirkan KK (Kartu Keluarga) dan juga Akte Kelahiran kakak saya (hasil scan yang diprint warna, karena Akte aslinya ada di Jerman).

15. Membayar jasa permohonan visa, masing-masing €60 yang akan dikonversikan ke dalam Rupiah sesuai Kurs yang berlaku saat transaksi dilakukan.

16. Menanti 3 hari untuk mendapatkan jawaban Visanya jadi atau tidak. Puji Tuhan, saya dan papa saya hanya menanti sehari saja :D sore hari berikutnya sekitar jam 3.30 sore, Papa saya mendapatkan telepon dari Embassy bahwa Visanya 'besok' bisa diambil.

17. Saat akan mengambil Visa, jangan lupa bawa surat kuning (ehh, bener ga yaa warnanya, kok lupa? :D) yang membuktikan bahwa kita sudah selesai aplikasi Visa dan bisa dijadikan bukti untuk pengambilan Paspor (Visa).

Kecuali Formulir yang dari Embassy, semua berkas difotokopi 2 rangkap, kalau saya, saya fotokopi 5 rangkap semua :D cadangan boookkk! :D dan tetap bawa dokumen aslinya yaa ;) Di Embassy tidak ada jasa fotokopi lho yaa, kalau mau fotokopi harus ke luar dulu. Dan malah buang waktu, jadi mending siapkan semua berkas sekomplit mungkin dari rumah ;)

Oiya, saat datang ke Embassy, harus lewat pos Satpam dulu. Barang bawaan kita akan diperiksa, gadget harus tinggal di pos Satpam. Yang boleh dibawa yaa hanya yang kita perlukan saja. Makanya jangan bawa tas besar atau yang ribet-ribet ga penting, karena bakal lama diperiksa juga :D Satpamnya ada 2, 1 perempuan, 1 laki-laki, dan ramah-ramah kok, pengalaman saya kemarin sih begitu :) dan kalau bisa datang minimal 30 menit sebelum Termin, karena kalau ada yang kelupaan di fotokopi bisa fotokopi dulu :D pakai topi atau payung kecil juga bagus :D cadangan saat terik atau malah mungkin hujan ;) siap juga air minum atau snack, lumayan buat lega-legain tenggorokan and ganjel perut kalau pas ngantri masuk Embassy :D ;) Bagian Visa itu di lantai 2, kalau lihat ruangan di bawah begitu kita selesai di periksa di pos Satpam, cuekin aja :D bukan itu tujuan kita, itu ruang buat konsultasi. Loket Visanya ada di lantai atas ;)

----

Ini Visa Schengen saya

Verpflichtungserklärung dari Jerman

Sekian sharing saya ;) Semoga bermanfaat ;)

Salam,

Abby <3

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Youth Narcissism and Us

We are home to an increasingly narcissistic generation, it is true. Increasingly prevalent empirical data, like that shared by Dr. Jean Twenge in her recent PT blog, back up what we all know and suspect: today's generation of kids are more narcissist than previous generations. Although the empirical validation is useful, such studies simply quantify the obvious. Like anyone who spends time in public or around youth, I see it daily: students whose faces are hidden by the screen to which they are slavishly devoted even in the presence of engaging real life life events; students whose papers chronicle their mental breakdown in response to the temporary "hospitalization" of the computer on which they believe they must depend to stay connected with others (and themselves); the recurrent sense of fear and dread experienced by interviewees in my study of non-suicidal self-injury that emerge in response to moments most of their elders cherish - free time alone with a book, a bedside lamp, and several hours of nothing else to do.

Alongside the cultural commentaries which proliferate on the subject of the technological contributions to youth self-absorption come a series of other concerns, such as Harvard Psychiatrist Dr. John Ratey's contention that the modern obsession with technology may be physically rewiring youth brains into patterns consistent with what he calls "acquired attention deficit disorder." Dr. Elias Aboujaoude, director of Stanford University's Impulse Control Disorders Clinic at Stanford University, agrees. In a Nov 15 interview reported in the San Francisco Chronicle, Dr. Aboujaoude comments, "The more we become used to just sound bites and tweets, the less patient we will be with more complex, more meaningful information. And I do think we might lose the ability to analyze things with any depth and nuance. Like any skill, if you don't use it, you lose it."

All of this is true (and I am as much of a handwringer as my colleagues), except for this fact: the mirror into which our youth gaze reflects the dreams, innovations, and human agency of their elders. Adolescents and young adults are hardwired to observe, internalize, and capitalize upon the success narratives of the societies in which they live. Although serious consumers and users of technology, the technological advances that youth consume with such fervor were developed by adults and reflect the collective vision of their forbearers. It is also adults that have so successfully identified and created the adolescent market; some of the best adolescent development specialists in the world are employed by marketing companies. Since it is amidst the norms and values passed down, sculpted, and re-sculpted by adults that youth develop, they serve as perfect cultural mirrors - the narcissism we think we see in our youth is merely a reflection of us.

If for no other reason than this, study of contemporary youth pathology would be best served through empirical investigation of their elders. And yet, it is not enough to turn the microscope on ourselves, for that simply extends the "who is to blame" game began when Socrates wrote 400 years ago, "Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers."

We need hope. Here is where I find it: After a lecture on technology as a context for development last year, one of my students ended his lamentation on the dire implications of technology addiction with these thoughts, "Behind all my dark cynicism is a glowing optimism...Technology has made us accomplished in the textual and academic, but ignorant of the natural and spiritual. I believe that wires are strangling America's youth. But, air has always been free. All one needs to do is go outside, and breathe. I will do that now." In these words I see my student's agency, his free will, his capacity for the development of wisdom through the most uniquely human trait: the capacity for self-reflection. We may be infatuated with the two dimensional representation of self that is tweeted, IM'd, and facebooked back to us in lightning fast time, but we will inevitably tire of this too - for it will not satisfy the longing to connect with our deeper self, what my student identifies as the "natural and spiritual."

And, equipped with the consequent teachings of this age, we will discover, once again, that which brain scientist Bruce Perry and colleagues now espouse in place of the "use it or lose it" paradigm to which Dr. Aboujaoude refers. We will discover that human beings and brains are much more plastic than we thought. When our individual and collective success demands that we concentrate on something for longer than 4 seconds, our youth will be the first to lead us out of the tweeting age and into the next age - whatever it may be.

Janis Whitlock studies, writes, and teaches about adolescent mental, social, and emotional health and development at Cornell University.

Love,
Abby