Everyone at school knows who she is - her beautiful face, light-hearted laughter, and unforgettable smile. She's the slender cheerleader that sports
a poised and unassumingly confident smile amid her ruby red lipstick
and long golden locks. She's also the one with the cool friends, hottest
boyfriend, and the most Facebook friends. Ask any high school teenager who she is and they'll simply reply, "Oh, she's the popular one."
Like it or not, adolescence has always been a popularity contest. Anyone who has ever seen John Hughes 1985 flick The Breakfast Club, and more recently, American Pie,
understands how the teenage social hierarchy can define a generation.
High school has always been, and will always be, a constant barrage of
mixed messages, innuendos, and heartfelt attempts to climb to the top of
the social ladder. In fact, some teens are eager to do just about
anything for a piece of the popularity pie. With the advent of the
social network, that piece of pie just got bigger, bolder, and more
accessible. The technological glitz, glamour, and hierarchical status
built into Facebook is ripe for gossip and rebellion. Teens can post the
latest trends, hottest parties, and exclusive hang-outs on their
Facebook wall providing them with the perfect way to score points with
their popular peers -- or fail miserably trying.
Friend Me:
"The internet isn't written in pencil...it's written in ink." (The Social Network, 2010)
Ask your teen what the catch-all term Friend Me means and she'll probably smirk at you and say you are way too old-school. The power of Facebook friending
adds a new dimension to the complexities of the teen social scene by
making it obvious who is in and who is out. It does so visually,
interactively, and unapologetically by using the Internet to chart the
success and failure of classmates. Popularity among teens is no longer
an abstract rumor, it's a social fact. For many teens Facebook‘s friend
list has become the golden opportunity to achieve acceptability from
their peers. Unfortunately, being admitted the popular kids Facebook
friend list -- or being left off of it -- has the ability to make teens
feel like everything, or absolutely nothing at all.
Our nation shares a social hierarchy similar to that of high school adolescents. Institutions like the federal government
and the military rely on a system that promotes order, obedience, and
the opportunity for advancement or demotion. It also may include
performance, intelligence,
capability, and in some cases appearance and one‘s ability to
successfully schmooze with the boss. It's who you know not always what
you know that enables many social climbers to elevate themselves to the
top. Popularity among high school teens operates under similar
motivations. Popular teens promote kids that are attractive and socially
superior while demoting the ones who they deem socially inept. It's no
surprise then that Facebook, by default, has adopted the same social
hierarchy, they've just managed to do it digitally.
Survival of the Fittest:
For the sake of Darwinians and biologists I should begin by pointing out that the term natural selection
defines evolution more accurately than the populist term survival of
the fittest, yet somehow naturally selecting the strongest and most
popular to be at the top of the social pyramid simply doesn't seem to
convey the fierceness and brutality of a teen's to rise to power. Genetics
may play a part in our strength and ability to switch to survival mode,
but as every teenager knows, being able to socially succeed in high
school amidst the hormones and constant chaos occasionally requires an act of God -- or at the very least, a way to acquire the resilience and fortitude to rise above it.
If
Darwin could see his theory play out in the lunchroom or on the
computer screen perhaps he would be amused, but more than likely he'd be
profoundly disturbed. Survival of the fittest may seem like an unlikely
soul mate for popularity, but take a moment to consider a typical
popularity contest that plays out in middle and high schools across the
country every day. To rule the high school social scene, teens must
figure out a way to thrive in their surroundings and then to elevate
their social status. This includes a mandatory Facebook presence, and
more important, demonstrating that they are qualified to popular in the
first place. Take, for example, the prom queen whose beauty, intelligence, and personality
-- no doubt products of natural selection -- place her at the height of
the social pyramid. To maintain her social status, she needs to connect
with as many social climbers as possible and steer clear of
teens that she or others in her inner circle deem unworthy. Posting
pictures, notes, and socially exclusive facts on her Facebook wall
ensures that everyone will take notice of her importance and
exclusivity. However, when kids at the bottom of the social ladder try
to friend her they are often rejected, which can cause anxiety, depression, and other psychological distress. Even worse, if this Facebook rejection is also done with malice or bullying tactics, it can severely damage a teen's self esteem.
Is
there a way to stop survival of the fittest online? Not really. School
buses and social networks have become the animal kingdom gone array: Eat
or be eaten. Kill or be killed. Bully or be bullied. Get popular or die
trying. If evolution has taught us anything, it's that to survive in a
dog-eat-dog world, teens must learn to not only protect themselves, but
to be proactive in their quest for happiness and success, a task that is easier said than done in the digital age.
What Popularity Means and What It Does Not:
Popularity is unfortunately a necessary evil
and the social hierarchy created by it a formidable distraction. Yet
the ongoing struggle for popularity does not mean that we allow teens to
be bullied, abused, mistreated, or otherwise harmed. When popularity
contests turn ugly and abusive, as they often do, science takes a back
seat to humanity. Socializing on Facebook is one thing, but demoralizing
and humiliating others is another.
Teaching teens to fight the
good fight and to know when to walk away is paramount to their
self-esteem and mental well-being. Building healthy self-esteem requires
adolescents to be able to take on new challenges, opportunities, and to
achieve some degree of success. Not everyone can be popular, nor should
they try. As we travel through life, popularity is simply a distraction
along the way. It is not an accurate measurement of how teens will
mature into adults. Many unpopular kids with the most humble and traumatic
beginnings have found ways to become leaders and to live rich,
meaningful lives. For teens, success in the online social climate
should not focus on how many Facebook friends they have, but instead, on the quality of the friendships they do have.
Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., is a psychotherapist and writer. Her work has appeared in magazines including BabyTalk, Parents, and Parenting.
Love,
Abby
